"We must be reminded that the first condition for mutual understanding is the desire for, the seeking after, and the willing of that understanding. Such a statement may appear very commonplace. Nevertheless, this basic attitude toward understanding others is far rarer than we think. Listen to all the conversations of our world, those between nations as well as those between couples. They are for the most part dialogues of the deaf. Each one speaks primarily in order to set forth his own idea, in order to justify himself, in order to enhance himself and to accuse others. Exceedingly few exchanges of viewpoints manifest a real desire understand the other person."1
- Paul Tournier, To Understand Each Other
Paul Tournier, the eminent Swiss physician and psychotherapist, originally wrote these words in the context of marriages and couple relationships. However, his message equally applies to our interactions with neighbours, colleagues and even with strangers: "[that] to achieve understanding, we need to want it."
Whether we’re talking about family relationships or global relationships, one of the primary ingredients in getting along amicably with one another, and in achieving (or maintaining) peace, is understanding -- mutual understanding. If we cannot understand, and respect, one another's point of view -- that is, each other's values, desires, and fears -- and if we cannot discover, and comprehend, the "real person" on the other side, then how can we even begin to peacefully resolve our relationship problems?
I am often amazed at how our fundamental outlook on relationships, especially close relationships, provides an outline of how we usually see others, especially strangers. If I am impatient and judgmental and closed-minded with someone that I know extremely well -- a friend that I am very close to -- then how will I respond to someone that I hardly know? If I cannot (or rather will not) attempt to see another's struggles, and fears, from their personal perspective, then how can I ever expect to cultivate compassion and self-giving love ['lovingkindness'] within myself and toward another? And if I cannot forgive and seek (mutual) healing, and reconciliation, with my 'enemies', how can I expect to live in peace .... within my own life, and with the life that surrounds me?
The beginning of change begins with building (creating) a desire for change. In life, all of our actions [and interactions] -- whether with a spouse or friend, or a stranger or beggar -- begin with desire and choice: our desire to understand and reach-out, and our choice to reconcile and bring healing.
Tournier devotes a complete book to the issue of relationships and understanding ... and summarizing his wisdom and insight in only a couple of pages would be obscenely inadequate. And yet, his thinking is an ideal starting point. Tournier's ideas and philosophy on how to build strong (caring) personal relationships provides a golden recipe for 'bridging the distances and barriers' between cultures and religions. Consider some of the chapter titles from his book To Understand Each Other:
- To Achieve Understanding, We Need to Want It
- To Achieve Understanding, We Need to Express Ourselves [Communicate & Listen]
- To Achieve Understanding, We Need Courage [Reaching Beyond Our Fears]
- We Need to Understand in Order to Help Each Other
Although the details can be complex and the implementation difficult, the path forward to improving relationships, to establishing peace with one another, to building (or restoring) compassion and healing where ever people are broken and wounded, is contained within the roots of understanding: We Need to Want It; We Need to Listen & Reply Honestly; We Need to Remove Prejudices and Misconceptions; We Need to Reach Beyond Our Fears. Simply put: We Need to Understand in Order to Help Each Other.
I recall an interesting story that touches on our human desire (when we so want) to achieve understanding even when the cost is immense.
"Warren Bennis wrote about a promising junior executive at IBM who was involved in a risky venture for the company and ended up losing ten million dollars in the gamble. He was called into the office of Tom Watson Sr., the founder and leader of IBM for forty years, a business legend. The junior exec, overwhelmed with guilt and fear, blurted out: 'I guess you've called me in for my resignation. Here it is. I resign.' Watson replied, 'You must be joking. I have just invested ten million dollars educating you; I can't afford your resignation'."2
Did Tom Watson understand the magnitude of the mistake made by his junior executive? Absolutely! And yet, he chose to look beyond the obvious ... to see potential opportunities (successes) further down the road. Watson's 'understanding' was a different understanding than what the young executive expected when he walked into the CEO office. However, both individuals exited that meeting with a path forward that saw new possibilities even under the shadow of what had become an obvious failure.
Problem solving can seem so straightforward and simple under the light of Great Thinkers. And yet, "practicality" reminds us that even the smallest step forward can some times be a struggle. 'To Understand Each Other' does not solve our problems overnight. But it is a beginning.
Pope John Paul II and Jean Vanier, both great thinkers and deeply spiritual souls, carry and display a unique wisdom that sees not only the roots of our human struggle, but also the branches of Divine Compassion. For each of these individuals, the pathway to peace is a roadway paved with hope, and love: a journey that draws on the intellect and wisdom of humanity (when human beings choose to be the best they can be), as well as seeks a deeper spirituality [and communion] that comes only from a connection to God. In the words of John Paul II, "We need [to find] a new spirituality of communion (... where ‘spirituality of communion’ means to know how to 'make room' for our brothers and sisters bearing each other's burdens) .... [we need] the ability to see what is positive in others, to welcome it and prize it as a gift from God; not only as a gift for the brother and sister who has received it directly, but also as a gift for me." 3
As a final thought, I am reminded of the words of Jean Vanier: "[an] openness to and respect for others implies a belief in our common humanity, in the beauty of other cultures, and in God's love for each person. We are one human race. We human beings are all fundamentally the same. We are all people with vulnerable hearts, yearning to love and be loved and valued. ... This openness, which brings together people who are different, is inspired by love, a love that sees the value in others through and in their differences and the difficulties they might have, a love that is humble, vulnerable and welcoming ... Peace comes as we approach others humbly, disarmed, from a place of truth, not from a place of superiority. ... Isn't that the vision at the heart of all interdenominational and interfaith dialogue?"4
The ability to understand each other is essential. The need for tolerance, and patience, and compassion is critical. And the desire for mutual openness, and respect, and dialog is monumental.
We begin at home. We extend into our villages, towns and communities. And we succeed ..... when we have achieved peace with one another …. and discovered a new spirituality of communion.
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- Tournier, Paul. To Understand Each Other. Atlanta: John Knox Press, 1981.
- Ortberg, John. Love Beyond Reason. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan Publishing House, 1998.
- Cardinal Walter Kasper, president of the Vatican Council for Christian Unity, paraphrasing Pope John Paul II
- Vanier, Jean. Drawn into the Mystery of Jesus through the Gospel of John. Saint Paul University, Ottawa: Novalis, 2004.